Hope
Erin
Always Hope
For that is the one thing you will never, ever lose.
It's 5 AM...I can't sleep...but for good reason. I am officially an Auntie today! Andy called a couple hours ago...I have a 9 pound, 8 ounce nephew! No name just yet, but everyone is healthy, which is what matters most, of course.
I haven't written in several days...Ben and Drew are in town, holidays, laziness, etc. But I've been doing a lot of thinking (surprised?!).
I woke up on Christmas morning and when I remembered what day it was and didn't have much of a feeling about it, it really scared me. I was afraid that I had lost my spirit. I wondered if this was it...you've lost it...it will never come back. The 25th ended up to be a nice day...quiet and small, but nice.
Ben and Drew came home Christmas night, so we actually celebrated our Christmas on the 26th. I love it when they're home and I felt so emotional with Ben this time around. I think I've just really missed him over the past few months...we're normally so fused and it felt odd to me that so many things have happened since I saw him in August and I didn't get to dive into those things with him..it all finally came to a head. We were making our Christmas dinner and I asked him for a hug and in our embrace, I felt like crying, so I did. But in that moment, I got re-connected with Benny again. The Beach Boys really did say it best when they sang, "God only knows what I'd be without you." It's true...only God DOES know what I'd be without you, Ben.
So with all of my low feelings over the past several weeks, what with having mono and ceasing a relationship that I (foolishly?) thought might actually be one that lasts a long while, I decided that it is time to quit feeling lonely and sad and sorry for myself. It's time to make a change. I knew it would come sometime soon, but I'm ready to start putting my wishful thinking into action. I'm still working on the details, but after that little life was born tonight, I think a little life was re-born in me too.
I don't really have many regrets in my life, but over the past few weeks, I've been doing too much questioning of my previous life decisions. Why didn't I go to school in the east? Why didn't I go into another profession? Why (GOD WHY?!) did I stay in that relationship for WAY too long? Why am I still living here wondering what they hell I'm doing? Then, I went through a few days of "I wish" statements. I wish I would have learned to play the violin when I was younger. I wish I could speak French. I wish Bruno isn't the way he is. I wish he would call and tell me he was wrong. I wish I lived somewhere else, where I could wake up each morning and feel care free, like I did in Boston.
It was like I was asking these things as if I have no time left in my life to make new/ more/ different choices...like I missed all of my chances to get it right at 18. I'm freakin' 27 years old! The only thing there's not enough time for is questioning myself about my past because honestly, I am very happy with every decision that I've already made, even if it was difficult at the time. Those choices have helped to shape who I am and I'm proud of and love that person.
So today, I feel my spirit again. I think it just got a little lost, but I found it. And thankfully, I knew that I would. It's going to be an amazing year, 2008. I can feel it. So, to combine what would have been two very different posts, it's time...time for the baby to come, time for change (and to embrace it without so much anxious fear)...this has already been a blessed day and we're not even half way through it.
And this is why I remain hopeful...it always comes through for me.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
My Breasts Are Fabulous
Sorry for the seemingly abrupt title...you will understand (and possibly agree shortly). Here's the thing...I got another email from a friend announcing that she would be giving birth to a child soon. First, let me start by saying, I am completely and truly happy for all of the women who surround my life who are giving new life to the world. Really I am. I love all of these women and I believe that they deserve everything that they want in this life. For God's sake, my own brother and sister-in-law are about to make me an auntie, which I haven't stopped talking about for months.
BUT...for the love of God, can a sista get a break?!
So I had a Christmas dinner/ gift exchange with the single fab 5 tonight (although one's engaged, but whatever). Anyhow, I was explaining that I saw these nipple pads in a magazine that are supposedly great for when you're nursing (you put them in the fridge and then on your boobs and apparently they are soothing) and I, feeling the need to help my sister-in-love after she gives birth, thought I should buy them for her.
And it dawned on me...at this moment in my life, I have every reason to be completely joyous! My breasts are fabulous (and for the record, not one man, or woman for that matter, has told me otherwise)! They are voluptuous, perky and my nipples are proportional and not huge, painful, and cracked. And although I truly do believe that I wouldn't mind trading my perfect breasts for a precious child someday, in the spirit of being completely happy with my life the way it is at this moment, my breasts are fabulous!
Merci et au revoir ~
BUT...for the love of God, can a sista get a break?!
So I had a Christmas dinner/ gift exchange with the single fab 5 tonight (although one's engaged, but whatever). Anyhow, I was explaining that I saw these nipple pads in a magazine that are supposedly great for when you're nursing (you put them in the fridge and then on your boobs and apparently they are soothing) and I, feeling the need to help my sister-in-love after she gives birth, thought I should buy them for her.
And it dawned on me...at this moment in my life, I have every reason to be completely joyous! My breasts are fabulous (and for the record, not one man, or woman for that matter, has told me otherwise)! They are voluptuous, perky and my nipples are proportional and not huge, painful, and cracked. And although I truly do believe that I wouldn't mind trading my perfect breasts for a precious child someday, in the spirit of being completely happy with my life the way it is at this moment, my breasts are fabulous!
Merci et au revoir ~
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Mono
Who gets mono at the age of 27, you might ask? Well, me, apparently. I blame my ex boyfriend (but then again, I also blame him for the war in Iraq right now). It is such a man thing to do to give a girl mono and then say, "sayonara, adios, cheerio, so long, buh-bye."
Since I'm out of work for two weeks and am a bit bored, my sweet brother sent me a few You Tube video clips to cheer me up. He found this one, for instance, featuring Rusty, a narcoleptic dog. Ben, of course, decided that Rusty had mono, just like me. He's so sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY5PMT-_rLg
In trying to graciously listen to my body, which is obviously telling me to slow down, I got to thinking about why I got so sick. This got me to thinking about my relationship with the ex, who I dated for about 4 months. In the course of our dating, I got really sick twice, which completely validates my reasons for blaming him. The first time around, I was out of work for four days with the worst case of tonsillitis my internist had ever seen in his many years of practicing. That one was painful, yet I lost five pounds because I couldn't eat, so there was a trade off. I started feeling really sluggish a couple of weeks ago and I noticed that one of the glands in my neck was really swollen...I'm talking jutting-out-of-my-neck swollen. It wasn't pretty. Although I didn't really feel all that bad, I went to the doctor anyway. They said I had tonsillitis again and sent me home with an antibiotic. Well, five days later, things weren't better. Went to an ENT who took blood and diagnosed me with mono. Thanks, doc. Out of work for two weeks, which I know most would agree that was a tremendous bonus, but considering that I had less energy that my dear doggie friend, Rusty, it was no good. You should see me trying to climb the stairs of my apartment. It's quite amusing. It's only three flights.
So I've concluded that the last relationship I was in was, in fact, an infectious one. The question remains, why do people stay in relationships that are not healthy? And even when we may realize that the healthy thing to do is to cut the relationship off, why do we still miss them when they're over?
Merci et au revoir ~
Since I'm out of work for two weeks and am a bit bored, my sweet brother sent me a few You Tube video clips to cheer me up. He found this one, for instance, featuring Rusty, a narcoleptic dog. Ben, of course, decided that Rusty had mono, just like me. He's so sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY5PMT-_rLg
In trying to graciously listen to my body, which is obviously telling me to slow down, I got to thinking about why I got so sick. This got me to thinking about my relationship with the ex, who I dated for about 4 months. In the course of our dating, I got really sick twice, which completely validates my reasons for blaming him. The first time around, I was out of work for four days with the worst case of tonsillitis my internist had ever seen in his many years of practicing. That one was painful, yet I lost five pounds because I couldn't eat, so there was a trade off. I started feeling really sluggish a couple of weeks ago and I noticed that one of the glands in my neck was really swollen...I'm talking jutting-out-of-my-neck swollen. It wasn't pretty. Although I didn't really feel all that bad, I went to the doctor anyway. They said I had tonsillitis again and sent me home with an antibiotic. Well, five days later, things weren't better. Went to an ENT who took blood and diagnosed me with mono. Thanks, doc. Out of work for two weeks, which I know most would agree that was a tremendous bonus, but considering that I had less energy that my dear doggie friend, Rusty, it was no good. You should see me trying to climb the stairs of my apartment. It's quite amusing. It's only three flights.
So I've concluded that the last relationship I was in was, in fact, an infectious one. The question remains, why do people stay in relationships that are not healthy? And even when we may realize that the healthy thing to do is to cut the relationship off, why do we still miss them when they're over?
Merci et au revoir ~
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Bear With Me
Let it be known that I NEVER read anything that I write out loud to anyone and now, by sheer genius of the Internet, I can announce all that I have to say (whether people like it or not). In needing to overcome this fear, two things come to mind: a memory that happened several years ago and something I read today.
I used to live in Boston and after telling one of my roommates (much older and wiser, of course!) that I hardly ever write down my thoughts for fear that someone would read them, he was completely appalled. I think I understand why now. And I've been writing ever since.
Today, I stumbled upon a website of this woman who is a Holistic Health Practitioner and in one of her e-newsletters, she described viewing her own vulnerablity as being equal to death, which I think many people deep down, can understand. She went on to explain that her view of vulnerability has changed...now, she feels alive and connected when she allows herself to go there. She is reminded that we are all in this together and we are not alone in our thinking and feeling (and once I figure out how to link websites, I'll give her some credit and thanks).
As humans, we try to hold it all together for each other. The pressure builds and we don't want anyone else to know that we might not be able to handle it. We have to be strong...be perfect. But we are not alone, however much we may feel that way. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we open doors to really experience life on a very personal level rather than as a spectator. I'm really ready to be living my life.
And just so you know that I do, in fact, have a very playful heart, please note that even though I haven't actually followed the show in it's entirety, I am watching the finale of The Biggest Loser...with a bowl of ice cream.
I used to live in Boston and after telling one of my roommates (much older and wiser, of course!) that I hardly ever write down my thoughts for fear that someone would read them, he was completely appalled. I think I understand why now. And I've been writing ever since.
Today, I stumbled upon a website of this woman who is a Holistic Health Practitioner and in one of her e-newsletters, she described viewing her own vulnerablity as being equal to death, which I think many people deep down, can understand. She went on to explain that her view of vulnerability has changed...now, she feels alive and connected when she allows herself to go there. She is reminded that we are all in this together and we are not alone in our thinking and feeling (and once I figure out how to link websites, I'll give her some credit and thanks).
As humans, we try to hold it all together for each other. The pressure builds and we don't want anyone else to know that we might not be able to handle it. We have to be strong...be perfect. But we are not alone, however much we may feel that way. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we open doors to really experience life on a very personal level rather than as a spectator. I'm really ready to be living my life.
And just so you know that I do, in fact, have a very playful heart, please note that even though I haven't actually followed the show in it's entirety, I am watching the finale of The Biggest Loser...with a bowl of ice cream.
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