It's Time...for a Joyous Day

Hope
Erin
Always Hope
For that is the one thing you will never, ever lose.

It's 5 AM...I can't sleep...but for good reason. I am officially an Auntie today! Andy called a couple hours ago...I have a 9 pound, 8 ounce nephew! No name just yet, but everyone is healthy, which is what matters most, of course.

I haven't written in several days...Ben and Drew are in town, holidays, laziness, etc. But I've been doing a lot of thinking (surprised?!).

I woke up on Christmas morning and when I remembered what day it was and didn't have much of a feeling about it, it really scared me. I was afraid that I had lost my spirit. I wondered if this was it...you've lost it...it will never come back. The 25th ended up to be a nice day...quiet and small, but nice.

Ben and Drew came home Christmas night, so we actually celebrated our Christmas on the 26th. I love it when they're home and I felt so emotional with Ben this time around. I think I've just really missed him over the past few months...we're normally so fused and it felt odd to me that so many things have happened since I saw him in August and I didn't get to dive into those things with him..it all finally came to a head. We were making our Christmas dinner and I asked him for a hug and in our embrace, I felt like crying, so I did. But in that moment, I got re-connected with Benny again. The Beach Boys really did say it best when they sang, "God only knows what I'd be without you." It's true...only God DOES know what I'd be without you, Ben.

So with all of my low feelings over the past several weeks, what with having mono and ceasing a relationship that I (foolishly?) thought might actually be one that lasts a long while, I decided that it is time to quit feeling lonely and sad and sorry for myself. It's time to make a change. I knew it would come sometime soon, but I'm ready to start putting my wishful thinking into action. I'm still working on the details, but after that little life was born tonight, I think a little life was re-born in me too.

I don't really have many regrets in my life, but over the past few weeks, I've been doing too much questioning of my previous life decisions. Why didn't I go to school in the east? Why didn't I go into another profession? Why (GOD WHY?!) did I stay in that relationship for WAY too long? Why am I still living here wondering what they hell I'm doing? Then, I went through a few days of "I wish" statements. I wish I would have learned to play the violin when I was younger. I wish I could speak French. I wish Bruno isn't the way he is. I wish he would call and tell me he was wrong. I wish I lived somewhere else, where I could wake up each morning and feel care free, like I did in Boston.

It was like I was asking these things as if I have no time left in my life to make new/ more/ different choices...like I missed all of my chances to get it right at 18. I'm freakin' 27 years old! The only thing there's not enough time for is questioning myself about my past because honestly, I am very happy with every decision that I've already made, even if it was difficult at the time. Those choices have helped to shape who I am and I'm proud of and love that person.

So today, I feel my spirit again. I think it just got a little lost, but I found it. And thankfully, I knew that I would. It's going to be an amazing year, 2008. I can feel it. So, to combine what would have been two very different posts, it's time...time for the baby to come, time for change (and to embrace it without so much anxious fear)...this has already been a blessed day and we're not even half way through it.

And this is why I remain hopeful...it always comes through for me.